the crimson crest and twinkling trough

Beyond the hardened discreetness
Of efforts & results, of past & present, of likes & dislikes,
Silently flows in the backdrop
The incessant, eternal, flow of life
With its crimson crest and twinkling trough,
Throbbing with promises, potentials, possibilities & opportunities.

The crimson crest and the twinkling troughs,
show vantage points varied,
engendering horizons & dimensions anew,
Only to hold in front
An ever-dynamic, ever-vibrant,
kaleidoscope of the symphony
Of a humbling harmony – The life!

The body, the events, the world, the people
All fly being hurtled through space, by the spining earth,
In the ever expanding multiverse of galaxies vast.
None in our control! But the mind –
A multi purpose vehicle,
To learn to ride and control!

When yesterday becomes a part of the today,
And when the toil of today builds the mould of tomorrow,
When likes weaken and dislikes strengthen,
What remains is a continuum of presence – yesterday, today & tomorrow.
As an incessant, eternal flow of the vital throbbing life,
with its crimson crests and twinkling trough.

the continuum of pain and joy

pain and joy

it is sometimes enlightening to see the continuum of pain and joy. once a yoga practitioner, is adept with the asanas, the pain of the stretch is experienced as joy to her. the pain of the blood rushing in, and being breathless, but still being able to maintain the slow and deep rhythm of breath is extremely difficult. but appears joyous; but ofcourse painful. after completing that long marathon, the piercing pain of the accumulated lactic acid and muscles own means of doing anaerobic respiration is painful, but is joyous. the joy is more intrinsic rather than anything else. it is about being connected to that deep seated nerve say on the left of the shin bone, deep inside the muscles lining it. or for that matter, being able to feel one’s heart touching one’s inner viscera of the chest. that soft pain, makes us aware of our brethren i side us, standing firm to protect and strengthen us, so that we can pass on that gratitude to others in the world and beyond with our service, exploration, experimentation and toil.

the most pleasurable act for human – the act of sex, itself is an extremely painful and arduous regime. the continuum of pain and joy is so vivid and intricate in this situation! the lovers experiencing orgasm is in a rollercoaster of a mind shattering pain, and an enlivening and expanding joy. one loses the sense of that little ego caged in bone and flesh, and expands out to an incomprehensible, ever expansive, limitless openness, where there is no form, there is no name. only what remains is just that dance, that motion, that symphony, the music of the moans..

same is the case with a student of a complex domain of study. it is arduously and humiliatingly painful to go through those initial days struggling with the fundamentals of that domain. but then, if the student perseveres, and goes through the initial corny pain, the continuity of joy and pain slowly emerges soon, one she starts applying the first principles and graduates into higher order thinking, and creating inferences and solving ever more complex problems. i. this entire journey as was with sex, she just rides the wave effortlessly, and jumps from one crescendo to the other.

interesting is the absence of the boundaries between paina dm joy. and ever more interesting is the discovery that none of these appears in their pure unadulterated form. wherever they exist, they exist as a continuum of one into the other, like a water into sandalwood powder, or honey in curd, or water in milk. one strengthens and completes the other.

love affair with yoga

practicing yoga has been like a way of life for me. the day without yoga appears little incomplete. it feels like something essential was missed. something like one is deprived of that glimpse of the beauty of one’s beloved’s silky smooth calling in the early morning. like that bounce of lightness of heart, its movement from one to the other level was missed out. a day without yoga is like a day depriving a constellation of beings of their justified fundamental right to soak into the mushiness of love of each other with whom they are profoundly in love.

who are these beings? what is this love? what is that justified fundamental right? what it means to soak into the mushiness of that love?

yoga flows in following four stages. They are –
1. the first stage getting one’s movements right.
2. the second stage is getting one’s breath aligned to those right movements.
3. the third is about aligning one’s drishti (sight) with the movements.
4. the fourth stage is about allowing the breath and drishti to be the leader, and movements just follow them!

That is the journey of yoga. it is a journey of movement from gross to subtle. it is about disciplining and aligning one’s body with the soul, and then letting the soul take control. The important fundamental 1st principle on which this entire flow of yoga is based on is two folds – love and movement. it is all about movement. from one position to the other – spatial or mental. from gross to subtle. And also the entire movement is about allowing a constellation of beings to make love with each other. and it is about letting the soul being in observance (sakshi) of that play of love.

now, what are those beings? one way to observe that dance of love is to practice yoga, slowly, aligned with the breath, timing, and the required delays between each breath and movements, to build up that symphony; that music, that rhythm, that dance. And if this dance is done naked, alone, in a silent warm private place, it helps. being naked, one is able to use one’s body as a medium to align the drishti, and skin as a means to observe that exact points of contacts between the mother earth (yoga mat), and contacts between the outer parts of the body, and also the inner organs of the body. body becomes a medium to let one’s psychic energy seep into in meditation, and groove into what it feels, how it looks. Slowly the consciousness slips away from one’s ego to myriads of beings and myriads of those highly charged contact points, leading to orgasm, if done well. like while doing suryanamaskara, following points of contacts are prime to groove into –

1. pada hasta asana – kissing one’s sheen. letting one’s nipples touch the knees.letting one’s forehead do a pranaam to the sheen. the entire process is very respectful, like a worship, deeply soaked in carnal love, bonding and belonging. also it is about the sight of seeing the world upside down between one’s limbs, being embraced in love in protection by them. its like a little infant glimpsing the world of motion from the lap of her mother.
2. ashwa sanchalana asana – feeling that stretch in one’s groins, thyroid, and shoulders. letting the eyeballs touch the brows! it is also about seeing the ceiling, the sky, the stars, the sun, the moon, and establishing one connect with the universe above us.
3. adho mukha swan asana -feeling the hand muscles stretch, the expanse of the fingers being supported by the mother earth’s bosom. feeling that stretch in the leg muscles with the heels touching the mother earth.
4. the entire movement of the flow from bhujanga asana, to ashtanga namaskar, to chatur dandasana, to chatur dandasana namaskar, till back to again on ashwa sanchalana asana – is a deep love making with one’s groins, phallus, or clitoris, breasts, stomach, neck. the entire body experiences that deep intimate connection with mother earth, and then with sky to follow. The the love making continues.

This entire act of love, deeply grooved into the dance of the breath, drishti, movement teaches one lots and lots of things, and every day, every new stage, every new progression in this upward spiral teaches the abhyasi (practitioner) something new, something subtle, something much more beyond one’s ego, to those numerous constellations of beings, and being a sakshi of their love making.

Truly the act of yoga is not about completing some numbers of exercise turns, and fulfilling one’s ego that i have done those number of turns. but it is about a pure indulgence of seeping into the world of love. just love. And also it is about movement. it is about that continuous change, that continuous swing, that continuous progression from one point to other, that is more difficult, more demanding, where the soul, the body, the skin, the muscles, the bones, the mind, the breath, has to learn to do something more difficult, something beyond their current capacity. That upward movement, determines being alive! And this movement through love, starts with touch, touching one’s own body, touching mother earth, feeling that deeply, seeing one’s own body, seeing the universe around from different asanas, appreciating the texture, the warmth, that acceptance of the body through that tactile touch, and also appreciating the perfect symmetry, the hidden asymmetries in the body, and geometric miracle of what the body is, the world is! certainly taking bath before yoga, shaving one’s whole body if it is hairy, doing the yoga completely naked or with least clothes on, using a yoga mat that is very thin and allows one to feel mother earth more fully, using natural materials for the yoga mat, doing the yoga alone, etc helps and are essential hygiene factors, doing it as close to nature as possible, etc.

as always, love is whole and complete in the action of loving. it is the verb end to end that fulfills itself. there is no other hidden agenda to have anything or anybody outside that sanctuary of being engaged in love, and cherishing it’s grace every moment playing it. so is yoga! there is nothing to have or accomplish outside the mere act, and engaging with the act. yoga is whole and complete by itself. it’s like making love with one’s beloved is whole and complete in itself. or the act of worship is whole and complete in itself. there is no hidden agenda to accomplish, or a destination to achieve and rest. it’s a constant toil moving the upward spiral.

the journey of abandonment

the festivity of togetherness, once it tightens
the entropy of dissipation kicks in,
leaving the soul apparently abandoned.

in one level, the soul cries out tirelessly,
for yet another chance, for yet another past.
runs it from pillar to post in that vehement need,
need to love and be loved.
in the backdrop of never ending
cacophony of the continuous humdrum
of the abundance of her hatred, and angst.
of her disgust, judgments, and righteousness,
curling into the melancholy of his abandonment.

on another level, a journey of abandonment, he embarked,
from the tears, pains, and tribulations,
to a cleansed and purified was his innermost core.
through a metamorphosis painful and inevitable. 

it was cleansing of all cacophony,
like being ushered into silence,
into that sanctuary of restful breath,
where there was nothing,
but just the breath in and out,
in the silent space of just love.

in that meditative silence,
purified and cleansed
from the distractions of the apparent abandonment,
the soul could hear a distance music.
whispering gently to the soul - 

love is an unwavering task of toil.
not an indulgence of a fleeting feeling.
it is a daily routine of stubbornness and resolve.
steeped in respect, freedom, faith and care.

it's a daily ritual of worship,
no matter what. no matter when.
love is an effort to discover
the eternal connection,

defying the distractions
of all the lies that is apparently visible,
bold, loud and violent.
perceiving the lingering realization,
the realization of an eternal connect.

the connect of the earth binding
in that vast and undeniable expanse.
although far away across the oceans,
or just next door, but pushed farther than the farthest.

the ocean bed, or the valleys or mountains,
Mother earth standing by him, held her to him, 
with that steadfast yoke of motherly embrace,
bosom to bosom, flesh to flesh, soul to soul. 

the connect of that churn in the belly,
of that goose bump in being,
of that skipped beat of the heart,
discovering the hidden laws of physics,
solving that difficult equation of aircraft performance,
realizing that esoteric truth of love, God, and people,
worshipful presence of that
silent, deep and still meditation. 


the connect of that inherent sameness,
of wakefulness, and sleep
of same human follies and sublimations,
of that capacity to love, to unite, to be one
in that nurturing embrace,
in body, mind and soul.

the connect of that vast inclusiveness,
of the diverse beauty of being human,
the art and the innate capacity to belong,
that feeling of surrender, and restfulness,
in the ease and naturalness of being naked,

all exposed, all opened up,
nothing to hide, nothing to hold.
in daily prayers of wishes of wellbeing,
in those showers of blessings,
strewn like ageless, every youthful petals fresh,
on her presence, in her own world, with her own people. 

how does that matter, 
where the Niagara falls,
or the Taj Mahal stands,
when the bard sang,
or the Rome built. 
For her beauty was ageless, timeless, infinite. 
it was beyond a human grasp,
much beyond any tactile imprisonment. 

in that realm of inexpressible, and in-comprehendible, 
a realm whose glimpse cannot even be captured, 
in the deepest silence of meditation,
whose music is quieter than the most profound quietude.
a beauty that makes all that is created pale,
a yearning that is humanely impossible to quench. 

how can that limitless, eternal and magnanimous glare,
be even be intuited by limited human heart!
only one thing can he do,
is to attend to the task - 
The task of love,
tilling, nurturing, trimming and beautifying,
with his daily worship, one word at a time.
tirelessly echoing the eternal song of love
till that last breath of life...

The red Hibiscus and the yellow bougenvillas

she knew very well,
with the power, precision, sharpness and clarity!
of that of the ethereal thundering bolt!
she knew what was right,
she knew which rule needed to be broken.
she knew what was true. and what was false!

love, devotion, kindness, respect, beauty, joy, gratitude, worship -
are they just not all the same?
only are different just the outer surface.
diversely sparkling with the different beams,
gleaming from the same jewel underneath?

when she entered,
she cleaned, she arranged,
she freshened, she spruced!
however, she didn't touch anything else,
that carelessly spread on the table, and sofa
the clothes books, and pens.
except One!

that was the most touching gesture!
she didn't touch any of my belongings.
that was lying as is in the sofa
all untouched and kept as open and in shambles
Exactly as was left...
keeping them totally untouched.
except One!

she had meticulously spruced up,
arranged, cleaned, and arranged all other hotel stuff,
from the bed linen, to towels, to pillows,
cleaning the bathroom and the rooms
totally spic and span.

but she didn't touch, any of the belongings, even when they were just carelessly scattered on the sofa and table.
Except One!

doing her chores, she saw the Beloved, Kali,
there, unattended without any flower, without any asana!

she could not stop herself!
her sense of discernment was razor sharp.
she knew to cut through
the falseness of what appears on the surface,
in name and form, in non essential details,
the hindrances of rules, of orders and dictates.
directly pointing out the essential,
with the focussed gaze of the eagle,
The essential focal point,
often deeply hidden,
in some corner unattended.

like that pure love,
that pure belonging,
that pure connectedness,
that pure friendship,
that pure desire to be one 
in the most forceful embrace of love.

she knew the most favorite flower of Kali was Hibiscus,
And she knew red and yellow
are the two favorite colors of Kali.
She immediately rushed out.
in search of blood red Hibiscus and golden yellow bougenvillas she ran,

down the road lined up with
the vast expanse of coffee plantation spread over 100 acres.
interspersed with huge silver Oak, Peepal, Banyan and thousands of giant evergreen trees,
the ground, still glistening bright with drizzles cleansing the bright green grass, bamboo shoots and birds of Paradise.

Hibiscus was not to be found anywhere around.
for special blessings are often the most rare.
she went deep into the forest,
From that hidden plant in the dark,
adorned with four fully bloomed hibiscus,

in the backdrop of a bountyful, beaming expanse of yellow bougenvillas,
she in her little palms,
gathered the earnest and fully blossomed flowers,
eagerly waiting to be offered,
throbbing with that deep earning of union,
to just be one of the beautiful, soft and fragrant
Lotus feet of Thine - source of all life and beyond!

drenched wet in love,
and expanding in joy,
ecstatic in the orgasm of devotion and longing,
both the flowers and she!
ran back into the room.
patiently she cleaned the table,
with a smile in face, and mercy in hand,
made she the asana of pure white sheets.
like the purity of her love and her soul,
she placed the rosary, the flowers!
she knelt, she prayed, she thanked.
And she left. as quietly as she had come.

she respected me for giving space to my careless,
shambles strewn articles, not even touching them
and overriding them with the perfectness of her paint,
paint of the sense of cleanliness and orderliness .
she didn't even move them one inch to make them a little cleaner or ordered.

but then, she immediately and spontaneously
within a blink of an eye,
with audacity and thoughtfulness,
her devotion, and care,
she broke the status quo
of unattention and emptiness,
and beautified the altar with
her love, her respect.

it was like she knew very well,
with the power, precision, sharpness and clarity
of the thundering bolt!
she knew what was right,
she knew which rule needs to be broken.
she knew what was true. and what was false.

On that face of fleeting material world,
gleaming with the riot of the cacophony
of hatred, abandonment, anger, indifference,
there always lies that quiet, still, never changing,
substratum of the only truth,
the one and only one truth,
the truth of Love,
the truth of embrace,
the truth of connectedness.
far far beyond anything that ever can be
seen, or heard, or articulated.

that never was born, will never perish.
that will always stay,
Primordial and Eternal!
the bolt hidden in the bubble.

The red Hibiscus and the yellow bougenvillas..

the light of love

love is a personal affair.
a meditative affair.
with the self.

love is that brilliant bambino,
ever youthful and ever pure,
nurturing on trust and worship.
on respect and devotion.
on loyalty and meditation.
on space and freedom.
on guileless friendship,
on benevolent blessings.
on stubbornness to belong,
on the resolve to be one in spirit, 
to be one in soul.

the timeless brilliant bambino,
unchanging and eternal,
with that sage like stillness,
chuckles with her drooling lips,
on the shallow impermanence
of the effervescence of the fizzes,
of likes and dislikes,
of attraction and disgust,
of acceptance and rejection,
of connection and abandonment,
of honor and damnation,
of life and death.

like the beautiful moving shades
of vermillion, crimson, pink and red,
paints these nectar of life,
on the eternal, unchanging, spotless canvas.
the canvas of the eternal and immortal reason.
the one and only reason of life and creation,
the reason of love, 
the reason of freedom.

the throbbing hearts,
beating in that love, die.
beaten up by the vagaries 
of the ever changing seasons.
some die of forgetfulness,
some die by bleeding into hatred,
some injured by indifference,
in those dark lonely alleys abandonment.

but that music in his heart, remains ever new,
echoing and reverberating the universe and beyond,
music of that lightness of his soul,
music of that belongingness towards the other.
relaxed respite of that unbroken trust,
eternal and immortal.

the throbbing hearts die,
but the music remains.
for it inspires another soul to be born,
another heart to beat
in a new life to be formed,
again to be offered on the altar of worship
of love. only love.

wash my soul, O my Lord,
with that shower of the light of the music,
the light of love,
washing away my tiredness, 
my weaknesses, my death.

the best get together i had ever attended

it was the wedding of my dearest nephew. he is pretty accomplished, and more so, is among those few people i know in my life who has a heart of gold. not only it is a pleasure to know him, but also it has been a life time opportunity, being part of the family, to be able to connect so many beautiful people in one event.

the wedding was at the heritage site of the Taj group of hotels at Swabhumi at kolkata. it is a beautiful and inspiring heritage property of Bengal Renaissance that is now converted by the Taj group into a heritage hotel and group of convention centers. we danced, sang, talked, played, and connected with friends and family. and of course the sumptuous and delectable dishes spread at the buffet dinner was out of the world.

with all the merriment, i want to recollect the most heart touching experience i had in this entire wedding ceremony. it was on 14th may sunday night. it was mother’s day. the occasion was sangeet. i was doing the comparing, and all of them danced. several relatives and kids did dance. we had a dj hired. it was quite a good event, where we did rehearsals, planning, correct music selection, choreographing the dance and the final performance on stage. kids, cousins, relatives, brothers, sisters, all danced on a dance mix. it was great. 

the culminating experience was the last event. it was mother’s day night. we got cakes and invited my mother and bride’s grandmother to cut the cake. the dj played a beautiful song on mother from tare zameen par – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOK08cRwE6c

my mom was overwhelmed with the respect that the entire crowd was giving. all cheered her. i was with the microphone and was cheering happy mothers day and the excellent song on mother was being played in the background..i could see tears in all of the eyes in the audience!! people had tears of joy and gratitude for their moms, and they came on the stage and touched the feet of my mom and took her blessings. she was in tears as well. she kept blessing all, and fed them with the cake. even the camera man, left the camera and came to eat the cake from my mom as blessing, and he also touched her feet. i was in tears too. all were smiling, and had wet eyes, and cheeks. wow what a moment it was! there were about 100 odd people in the hall, and all were clapping, cheering, and praying for mothers with folded hands. they were all tapping their feet on this wonderful song. and swaying with love, bonding and belonging. my god! it was  divine experience!!

some photos of the event – https://50mmfilms.algomage.com/facerec/popin-and-shalini/results/fcb3c8b7ee574010ed9eff12ff

that human connection, that feeling of being part of a family, that delicate but robust bond of belonging, and above all that gratitude, love and feeling of being at ease within a sanctuary of togetherness and bond was mind blowing!!

feels overwhelmingly grateful..thank you Rom, thank you Didibhai, thank you Gudiya, thank you Milanda..Love you..

the opportunity

every passing moment,
like fleeting cloud,
keeps passing by,
like smoke, air, and nothingness.
like the unreal phantasma 
always changing its name and form.
like a fizz it originates, rises and vanishes.
in this ever changing, 
dream of nothingness to nothingness,
like the faces of ghosts,
sometimes, smile, love, compassion arises,
in those dark relaxed eyes, and smiling lips,
and sometimes, some ghostly face,
like a smoky ever changing sight,
out of the window of the speeding train,
shows up in the jiffy of change,
a monster earnestly ready to slurp the blood out of the heart, and squeeze the soul,
and at times, as an indifferent stone statue,
with a tight lip, head turned away, brow dead still. 

with all ever changing dances of life unreal,
decorating the existence,
with darkness and brightness taking their own turns,
something never ceases and stays ever youthful. 
the opportunity to expose our beautiful self,
a smile, a helpful gesture, a service,
that costs very little, and takes little time,
a conviction to engender the better side of the self, exude the good in us. 

that space of the choice,
the choice to take a breathe,
and respond out the best, the most beautiful, the absolute divine. 
that stubborn choice, 
stands tall, unchanged and eternal,
shedding its immortal gaze,
in peace, silence, and restfulness,
on the mad unreal everchanging chaos of life.

there is the opportunity,
the opportunity to hold on
to the never changing truth,
on the backdrop of an ever changing lie.

the connection

a constant companion,
always available and approachable,
but how to approach, and what to do,
know just few.

to be able to really belong to,
to be really connected to,
to be in the presence of,
to be and do, together
in unison and in unity,
with That,
the path that only
know just few

at time i get glimpse of That,
helping me, aiding me, gifting me,
with that eternal grace of a merciful gaze.
solving a problem, creating something, contributing someone
all just happens in an graceful eloquence,
unsoiled, undisturbed, untainted
by all hatred, distrust, anger, abandonment, inconsistencies,
– nature of nature!

the connection pristine, which appears as 100 angels,
coincidences, insights, a better code, an old friend, a fond memory,
a precious help, a silent song, an invisible truth.
the connection remains.
the connection strengthens.
the connection deepens.

thank you for holding my hand,
and embracing my bosom,
in your sanctuary of soul,
eternal, ethereal, enchanting.

the lie about contributing, and how to get over it.

1. the problem :

many a times, we get stuck in the trap of ‘life-lies’ in this game of contribution. the central them of adler’s philosophy is one needs to reach out to the other to contribute to them, and in turn that process of contribution creates a self worth, and courage that fuels the process. this helps them to belong to the other, and the community. thereby finding happiness.

before even contributing to the other, one needs to take few steps backward, and retrospect whether they have actually followed the pre-requisites of contribution. as adler puts forth in his framework, the steps towards belonging to community are as follows –

1. self acceptance.
2. confidence in other.
3. contributing to the other.
4. finding refuge in the other.

what about when the other person does not need our contribution? or for that matter, the other person is ‘ok’ without the us, trying to connect. or for that matter what-if the we do not actually need to connect to the other in any way, as the communities we actually belong are already starkly diverse, and any connection does not account for anything productive?

these are the few considerations that are important to conceive, retrospect, weigh out, before actually jumping on contributing. and excessive strong skew towards unwanted contributions go a long way to shred the entire fabric of what adler speaks about ‘harmony of life’. there is a balance that is needed. contribution and being contributed by the nourishment of belonging and creation of that feeling, ‘i am ok’ belonging to the community, has to go hand in hand.

a quick litmus test for escaping from the trap of the lie, in my opinion is to check whether one can publicly proclaim their contribution and intentions and at the same time, get a truthfully and concretely in reality vouch whether they are really in any way actually contributing, or rather creating further distress in the life of the other. for example, a non receptive parent can always keep shouting and scolding to the child thinking they are contributing. but actually then end up systematically devastating the child’s psyche in the long run. or for that matter, in a case of one sided relationships, one person can continue to stalk another person and be all along righteous of doing a “contribution” and relating to the person. but that is a big ‘life-lie’. actually they are just being parasitic, and trying to snatch out some self worth that they badly need, having bereft of it in entirety. such stalking mentality people are loners, who are outcasts already, and have not been able to belong to a larger community anyways. so, they look out for easy targets and try to impose themselves. similar examples can be seen with bosses who act as buddies with their teams. in name of contributing to the team, they make rules too lenient, and is unable to effectively and systematically challenge the team to go out of their comfort zone. contributions does not always take the same of creating a cozy and safe environment. contributions can take many shapes and shades, based on the situation.

in most of these slippery and illusive cases, the litmus test helps – check whether one can publicly proclaim their contributions and intentions, and have then really weighed out and neutrally seen how valuable is their contribution after all.

another point that is worth repeating is whether a relationship, or connection even is warranted or not. the entire world need not to belong to one team. all of the citizens of the country need not to work for the same organization. there would be differences in opinions, values, visions, and competitions between rival groups. forcibly trying to build bridges between incompatible and remote personalities and groups might be simply a drain of effort and time.

adler’s ‘separation of action’ comes handy here to reinforce that lie time and again. one might be prompted to continue to go in the wrong way, and continue to stalk the other person, or for that matter be offensive to the child, discounting all the cues the other are sending back in distress. ignoring or discarding the feedback and the action of the other, is aligned with the principle of ‘separation of action’. but in this case it defeats the purpose. instead of building bridges, it burns them between people. the situation becomes psychotic, and totally abnormal. it breeds animosity and toxicity and destroys the fabric of community, instead of building it.

2. the cause :

having understood the problem. let us explore on why such situations even come in the first place. why such logically simple things appear so difficult to judge at times. when such situations arise when we get overboard with trying to reach out to help others by forcing our un-solicited help? it is a common problem when we are so steeped in the ‘praise and rebuke’ education, that we look out for praise outside ourselves, by others to be able to realize our own worth. in short term, we are giving the name of ‘separation of action’, and lying ourselves that we do not need acceptance of the other, or a unfazed by their rebuke. we are so called discarding their action. but it is very easy to notice the deep melancholy that slowly creeps up on us, in such situations, not able to get a positive feedback. either say the parent repeatedly offending the child, or for that matter, the stalker trying to impose himself on the other.
not having enough outlet around, or any avenues to connect, and receive that much needed praise from others, we go the easiest target – this might be a modest person or a helpless child. affinity for praise and repulsion from rebuke becomes a compulsive disorder.

3. the solution :

desire to belong, and to be loved is a primal instinct of being a human. this deep need in us, at times forces us out to the above anomaly we discussed. now what can be the solution to it? we all know that do’s and don’t most of the time does not work. this is because it is a slippery ground of the heart and soul, and not a left brain oriented analytical problem to solve.

i think, before the first step – self acceptance is the most difficult part. here we are all alone. we have not reached out to the other. here it is very difficult with an unrest, unrequited mind to think clearly what reality is about one’s own self. in the absence of any belonging here in this nuclear mode, one is already parched out with the need to feel whole and complete by being able to belong to something or someone. in that hurry, and desperateness, it is easy for someone to mistake their own identify, and not able to see who they are in reality. the conditioned mind takes over, and a trajectory starts getting built in an incorrect direction.

so, in my opinion, the first step might be creating a belonging within the self, before even venturing out. can we belong to something or someone deep within, and say, ‘i am ok’, being alone. and i am whole and complete being alone? can some contribution be done without even reaching out to the world, with this entity? for simplicity, let us name this as ‘self’. so, the point is we need to belong to the self. and to belong to the self, as per adler, we need to contribute to the self. now the question is what and how to contribute to the self.

i feel following actions might help to build this relationship and contribution to the self –

1. meditation – listening to the self. not visualizing. not feeling. not imagining. but just listening. in meditation. just be. this can be made a daily practice in which we just acknowledge that there is some being who we call ‘self’ with whom we need to establish a friendship. we start seeing the ‘self’ as our ‘comrade’. since we cannot see this comrade, cannot hear this comrade, we cannot touch this comrade, the only avenue for us is to enter into a deep meditation and listen in surrender who his self is.
2. hatha yoga – when we engage in hatha yoga, we do these extremely difficult asanas (poses), and maintain our breath in a proper rhythm and force (pranayama). in this entire process, we experience our ‘self’ from both and external bodily perspective and also from an internal mind perspective. this practice not only corrects the physiological abnormalities that might be a barrier to see our ‘self’, but also helps us reflect on the nature of our thoughts and emotions that hides that ‘self’. like for example, a reflection on the emotional landscape before practicing hatha yoga and after, would give some interesting insights on the nature of reality of our thoughts and emotions.
   also the practice of hatha yoga is like a play we engage with our body. as humans we have evolved to like games and playtime. hatha yoga is a daily playful ritual, where we actually engage a playful communion with our own body and its parts in entirety.
   this engagement with the body, helps reduce our dependence on looking out for another person out there in the community to play with.
3. building emotional connect – bhakti yoga – establishing a relationship with the self. creating a deep emotional connect with the self. we need to appreciate that fact that we are emotional beings, and connecting to an entity would require more of a faith, belief, love, sentimentalities, rather than analytical facts.
   one can easily superimpose that self to someone ideal that one is inspired with, in imagination. there is a rich source of deities that come handy in any tradition. visiting temples, pilgrimages, doing personal prayer rituals, etc are some physical activities that one can engage to forge this bonding with the self even stronger.
4. gaining more knowledge of the self – gnana yoga – one can go deeper into the literature that is already there in every tradition, to know the nature of the self, as per their own inclinations and beliefs. a headway into the world of psychology and philosophy also is very helpful for scientific minded people. these helps us to further understand and engage with the self.

i think these 4 hacks can help us to establish that belonging with our own selves, and contribute to that, in our own way. Once this is established, that primal craving is dealt with to connect and bond, before even reaching out to the external world. this would go a long way to handle the first step of adler’s framework – self acceptance. we would know enough about our real self, and we would have accepted ourselves fully, before even venturing out to select which person and which community we need to connect.this makes the entire process more from a standpoint of freedom and choice, rather than a compulsive obsessive disorder.

PS – 1st part of the article, which gives an overview of the philosophy of alfred adler – https://karconversations.wordpress.com/2023/04/26/adlerian-individual-pscyhology/