the lie about contributing, and how to get over it.

1. the problem :

many a times, we get stuck in the trap of ‘life-lies’ in this game of contribution. the central them of adler’s philosophy is one needs to reach out to the other to contribute to them, and in turn that process of contribution creates a self worth, and courage that fuels the process. this helps them to belong to the other, and the community. thereby finding happiness.

before even contributing to the other, one needs to take few steps backward, and retrospect whether they have actually followed the pre-requisites of contribution. as adler puts forth in his framework, the steps towards belonging to community are as follows –

1. self acceptance.
2. confidence in other.
3. contributing to the other.
4. finding refuge in the other.

what about when the other person does not need our contribution? or for that matter, the other person is ‘ok’ without the us, trying to connect. or for that matter what-if the we do not actually need to connect to the other in any way, as the communities we actually belong are already starkly diverse, and any connection does not account for anything productive?

these are the few considerations that are important to conceive, retrospect, weigh out, before actually jumping on contributing. and excessive strong skew towards unwanted contributions go a long way to shred the entire fabric of what adler speaks about ‘harmony of life’. there is a balance that is needed. contribution and being contributed by the nourishment of belonging and creation of that feeling, ‘i am ok’ belonging to the community, has to go hand in hand.

a quick litmus test for escaping from the trap of the lie, in my opinion is to check whether one can publicly proclaim their contribution and intentions and at the same time, get a truthfully and concretely in reality vouch whether they are really in any way actually contributing, or rather creating further distress in the life of the other. for example, a non receptive parent can always keep shouting and scolding to the child thinking they are contributing. but actually then end up systematically devastating the child’s psyche in the long run. or for that matter, in a case of one sided relationships, one person can continue to stalk another person and be all along righteous of doing a “contribution” and relating to the person. but that is a big ‘life-lie’. actually they are just being parasitic, and trying to snatch out some self worth that they badly need, having bereft of it in entirety. such stalking mentality people are loners, who are outcasts already, and have not been able to belong to a larger community anyways. so, they look out for easy targets and try to impose themselves. similar examples can be seen with bosses who act as buddies with their teams. in name of contributing to the team, they make rules too lenient, and is unable to effectively and systematically challenge the team to go out of their comfort zone. contributions does not always take the same of creating a cozy and safe environment. contributions can take many shapes and shades, based on the situation.

in most of these slippery and illusive cases, the litmus test helps – check whether one can publicly proclaim their contributions and intentions, and have then really weighed out and neutrally seen how valuable is their contribution after all.

another point that is worth repeating is whether a relationship, or connection even is warranted or not. the entire world need not to belong to one team. all of the citizens of the country need not to work for the same organization. there would be differences in opinions, values, visions, and competitions between rival groups. forcibly trying to build bridges between incompatible and remote personalities and groups might be simply a drain of effort and time.

adler’s ‘separation of action’ comes handy here to reinforce that lie time and again. one might be prompted to continue to go in the wrong way, and continue to stalk the other person, or for that matter be offensive to the child, discounting all the cues the other are sending back in distress. ignoring or discarding the feedback and the action of the other, is aligned with the principle of ‘separation of action’. but in this case it defeats the purpose. instead of building bridges, it burns them between people. the situation becomes psychotic, and totally abnormal. it breeds animosity and toxicity and destroys the fabric of community, instead of building it.

2. the cause :

having understood the problem. let us explore on why such situations even come in the first place. why such logically simple things appear so difficult to judge at times. when such situations arise when we get overboard with trying to reach out to help others by forcing our un-solicited help? it is a common problem when we are so steeped in the ‘praise and rebuke’ education, that we look out for praise outside ourselves, by others to be able to realize our own worth. in short term, we are giving the name of ‘separation of action’, and lying ourselves that we do not need acceptance of the other, or a unfazed by their rebuke. we are so called discarding their action. but it is very easy to notice the deep melancholy that slowly creeps up on us, in such situations, not able to get a positive feedback. either say the parent repeatedly offending the child, or for that matter, the stalker trying to impose himself on the other.
not having enough outlet around, or any avenues to connect, and receive that much needed praise from others, we go the easiest target – this might be a modest person or a helpless child. affinity for praise and repulsion from rebuke becomes a compulsive disorder.

3. the solution :

desire to belong, and to be loved is a primal instinct of being a human. this deep need in us, at times forces us out to the above anomaly we discussed. now what can be the solution to it? we all know that do’s and don’t most of the time does not work. this is because it is a slippery ground of the heart and soul, and not a left brain oriented analytical problem to solve.

i think, before the first step – self acceptance is the most difficult part. here we are all alone. we have not reached out to the other. here it is very difficult with an unrest, unrequited mind to think clearly what reality is about one’s own self. in the absence of any belonging here in this nuclear mode, one is already parched out with the need to feel whole and complete by being able to belong to something or someone. in that hurry, and desperateness, it is easy for someone to mistake their own identify, and not able to see who they are in reality. the conditioned mind takes over, and a trajectory starts getting built in an incorrect direction.

so, in my opinion, the first step might be creating a belonging within the self, before even venturing out. can we belong to something or someone deep within, and say, ‘i am ok’, being alone. and i am whole and complete being alone? can some contribution be done without even reaching out to the world, with this entity? for simplicity, let us name this as ‘self’. so, the point is we need to belong to the self. and to belong to the self, as per adler, we need to contribute to the self. now the question is what and how to contribute to the self.

i feel following actions might help to build this relationship and contribution to the self –

1. meditation – listening to the self. not visualizing. not feeling. not imagining. but just listening. in meditation. just be. this can be made a daily practice in which we just acknowledge that there is some being who we call ‘self’ with whom we need to establish a friendship. we start seeing the ‘self’ as our ‘comrade’. since we cannot see this comrade, cannot hear this comrade, we cannot touch this comrade, the only avenue for us is to enter into a deep meditation and listen in surrender who his self is.
2. hatha yoga – when we engage in hatha yoga, we do these extremely difficult asanas (poses), and maintain our breath in a proper rhythm and force (pranayama). in this entire process, we experience our ‘self’ from both and external bodily perspective and also from an internal mind perspective. this practice not only corrects the physiological abnormalities that might be a barrier to see our ‘self’, but also helps us reflect on the nature of our thoughts and emotions that hides that ‘self’. like for example, a reflection on the emotional landscape before practicing hatha yoga and after, would give some interesting insights on the nature of reality of our thoughts and emotions.
   also the practice of hatha yoga is like a play we engage with our body. as humans we have evolved to like games and playtime. hatha yoga is a daily playful ritual, where we actually engage a playful communion with our own body and its parts in entirety.
   this engagement with the body, helps reduce our dependence on looking out for another person out there in the community to play with.
3. building emotional connect – bhakti yoga – establishing a relationship with the self. creating a deep emotional connect with the self. we need to appreciate that fact that we are emotional beings, and connecting to an entity would require more of a faith, belief, love, sentimentalities, rather than analytical facts.
   one can easily superimpose that self to someone ideal that one is inspired with, in imagination. there is a rich source of deities that come handy in any tradition. visiting temples, pilgrimages, doing personal prayer rituals, etc are some physical activities that one can engage to forge this bonding with the self even stronger.
4. gaining more knowledge of the self – gnana yoga – one can go deeper into the literature that is already there in every tradition, to know the nature of the self, as per their own inclinations and beliefs. a headway into the world of psychology and philosophy also is very helpful for scientific minded people. these helps us to further understand and engage with the self.

i think these 4 hacks can help us to establish that belonging with our own selves, and contribute to that, in our own way. Once this is established, that primal craving is dealt with to connect and bond, before even reaching out to the external world. this would go a long way to handle the first step of adler’s framework – self acceptance. we would know enough about our real self, and we would have accepted ourselves fully, before even venturing out to select which person and which community we need to connect.this makes the entire process more from a standpoint of freedom and choice, rather than a compulsive obsessive disorder.

PS – 1st part of the article, which gives an overview of the philosophy of alfred adler – https://karconversations.wordpress.com/2023/04/26/adlerian-individual-pscyhology/

the rejuvenating realm!

in the expanse of the azure radiance of Thine kinship,

i experience that extreme trust,

profound faith and restful belonging!

something that is only death to hide!

when i enter and rest in that realm, where it is ok for me to be. just be.

bared, and authentic, exactly the way i am,

and exactly the way i am growing,

in the continuous journey uphill,

to be a better self, a higher self,

without any need for feigning even a freckle.

a realm where i know i not judged,

where i know i’m not compared

where i know i’m equally trusted

where my relevance, is my being as is.

a realm where i’m given that space

to make mistakes, know it, and work upon,

where the aura is all inclusive and magnanimous,

in that rejuvenating realm,

o Lord, let your entire creation thrive,

and appreciate for the first time

what it means by purity,

what it means by simplicity,

what it means by love!

all in contribution, connection and authenticity.

when silence is what remains

when silence is what remains,
wrapped with the white shawl of belonging,
there passes the casket in his final journey.

amidst chants and horns, babel and brawl
all emanating and extinguishing –
sometimes in glory of laughter and cheers, togetherness and kinship,
and then at times in agony of abandonment, anger and estrangement.
life continues its charades,
with transactions, bought and sold, given and taken,accepted and despised.

but in the backdrop of all the humdrum, there lies that silence,
where he lies there in belonging in his final journey.
apparently the silence is hopeless and heart shattering.
even if there was a voice,it would be of the same stale kaledoscopic pattern
of hatred and anger, versus pure longing and love.
instead of vilifying the delicate and sacred muslin of amor pure,
he let the silence be. just be.

when silence is what remains,
wrapped with the white shawl of belonging,
there passes the casket in his final journey.

this is the final journey. but not in vain
he went beyond being liked, and had courage to confront and express,
he tried his best to connect, contribute, learn, build and solve.
he continued his journey, on moment at a time,
living it fully whole and complete.
some destinations were reached, some were burnt and destroyed, some were unreachable.
but he continued his actions separate – his actions of work, actions of friends, actions of love.
going beyond life’s lies – is a matter of courage.
and he tried his best to garner that in full authenticity,
in acceptance of reality, and contributing to the other.

in lightness of a fully accomplished life,
of having made authentic connections,
having severed the inauthentic ones,
he toiled, climbed, and continued his works,
in silence, dignity and self worth.

when silence is what remains,
wrapped with the white shawl of belonging,
there passes the casket in his final journey.

yoga : a sanctuary of solace

when i feel low, and life is hard, i have found a new sanctuary beyond books, writing, meditation, sleeping, and work. i.e is hatha yoga. the most beautiful thing about yoga that i like is its sheer minimalism. i am not dependent any anyone, anything, anybody outside me. just my sheer muscle memory built out of regular practice is good enough. and when i do these difficult asanas, i feel so at peace and still. the process is enjoyable because it shows me i am able to do something i was unable to earlier. that gives me a feeling of accomplishment. and there is nothing anyone can take away from me. it is all within me. and most important thing is that special feeling after having done the asanas, as if resting in one’s own sactuary of solace which cannot be touched by the vagaries of life. that sheer joy of that space is un-expressible. certainly yoga for me is a sanctuary of solace.

i have been a practitioner of yoga since several years. but it is only since last 6 months, it has started becoming effective. this has been possible solely due to the classes of 6am yoga studio that is given by my current yoga guru, Shiva Sir.

his classes are absolutely fantastic. his instructions and guidance to synchronize the breath with such difficult asanas is the most critical part. he says breath is the most important. then comes the action. still i am not perfect, and have miles to go to go. he says it takes years and decades to attain perfection in yoga. what is just required is sincerity and regular practice. i like the incremental improvement in doing my yoga daily. it feels that i am becoming one inch better person every day.

another beautiful ritual that Shiva Sir does is that he changes the entire battery of asanas every month. that helps to try newer feats, attain newer heights, reach unexplored corners of the body. i feel being in love with my body. i can touch myself in so many different ways, and so many different orientations and postures, that i would not have every done in any other way. this touch is not necessarily with my hand. it is through out the body and internal organs. it makes me feel like reaching out to my loved ones who were all abandoned by me, blinded by my narrow egoistical utilitarian daily pursuits. for me, my body appears like a community, and so many different muscles, bones, arteries, veins, internal body parts – all are like beings who love me, and are dedicated towards consistently work without any expectations, to keep me alive. and yoga is a way in which i reach out to them daily, acknowledge them,bow before tham, touch them, hug them, kiss them and express my heartfelt gratitude.

I feel really very grateful to Shiva Sir, and God for enabling me to do be in this journey of yoga.

this sanctuary of solace is interestingly not a static mansion created of brick and mortar. rather, the sanctuary is woven by continuous investment of time, energy, hard work, creativity, attention, focus, knowledge, guidance, mentorship, and rest of it, as required to sustain the process. it is like a continuous activity that keeps creating the beautiful sanctuary dynamically. it is like playing the piano. the beautiful notes only show up in reality when an expert pianist invests all of her efforts engaging into the activity persistently.

due to this mere dynamism and activity oriented aspect of this sanctuary, this isn’t an object. and hence it cannot be taken away, it cannot be burnt, it cannot be cut apart, it cannot be made wet, it cannot be broken, it never perishes, it is eternal and immortal.

sheer transience to eternity

it is easy to observe sheer transience of life and it’s contents – moods, opinions, emotions, people, events, and life itself. it fascinating to realize that this transience is conditional. when the life contents are bereft of a supporting purpose, a goal, a meaning, and courage to engender and nourish the same, and that leading to a sense of contribution to the other, the transience beautifully transforms to permanence. the mortal transforms to immortal. transient transforms to eternity, darkness transforms to light. hopelessness transforms to earnestness.

when there are these clouds of anger, hatred, cravings, attachment, arrogance, pride, jealousy, greed, covetousness, lethargy, cowardice, shallowness, narrowness, reductionism, impatience, hopelessness, melancholy, depression, judgement, hovering in the mind, it is pretty freeing to notice that they are so sheer transient. they pass away. but then when one brings forth love, courage, contribution, responsibility, perseverance, resilience, patience, compassion, mercy, hope, laughter, lightness, bounce, sharing, caring, art, yoga, hard work, and rest of it, the new dawn that alights continues to immortality. it remains. even if they are at times not visible, it would be due to incapable comprehension due to the disturbances of the dark clouds of unworkability. and keeping this sustained requires, a continuous active constructive engagement to contribute to others.

it’s like the life’s contents are already made of the substratum of the brighter stuff. the darker stuff is more like dust falling on the original shining mirror. we just need to engage in courageous, productive and beautiful activities and toil to mop the dust out.

it’s so fascinating to really see life and it’s contents as a human, clearly cutting the the lies we spin in our minds, and go beyond these lies and jump into life’s actions – actions of work, actions of friends and actions of love.

this idea of designing one’s life based on a purpose, aligned towards contribution to others, and hence building a belonging to the other was conceptualized by alfred adler, in his seminal work of “individual psychology”

adlerian individual pscyhology

alfred adler – known as the third giant after freud and jung, in my opinion has the most practical framework of human psychology and application at work and personal life. it is known as individual psychology. this framework is built around forming a team spirit, and a community bonding, and bringing in the general good of an organization or a community before one’s own selfish needs. a human is expected to be self reliant, and seamlessly integrated to the community, and work for contributing to others.

as per individual psychology, the greatest culmination point of fulfillment a human can achieve is to be part of a community; to ‘belong’ to the community. he says the person should be able to realize the following – ‘i belong to you’, ‘i am ok here’. this is a goal to achieve for all interpersonal relationships – in the smallest level with the self (self acceptance) and then moving to relationship between acquaintances, friends and lovers. and then graduating to the relationship with the nation, world, earth, universe, space, flora, fauna, living and non leaving, and then he even goes towards including past, present and future. adler observes that for humans, all issues in life are interpersonal relationship issues, and also greatest source of happiness are interpersonal relationships themselves.

following are the steps of evolution adler formulates –

1. affirmative resignation as one’s self acceptance : in this stage, a person goes beyond what he calls ‘life-lies’, and accepts herself to be an ordinary person with inadequacies, weaknesses, and limitations. it is about having the fortitude to see the reality, and accept oneself as an non-replaceable whole. having affirmed, here the person is also expected to switch from attachment to the self to concern for others. adler observes that as soon as a person accepts herself, their focus then can shift to others, to be able to contribute to them in a way he is able to, based on who she is. she his not vexed with her own self, her own needs, and her own ideas and perceptions about herself. she disappears in the scheme of things, and others emerge. here he introduces a central backbone of this philosophy known as ‘separation of action’. as per this, one needs to do their own actions as per their goals and purpose. at the same time, they should discard what others are doing or reacting to the same. it is about not being too much vexed with what others are doing. they might like and appreciate or dislike and loathe our action. the point is to continue doing that in truth and conscientiousness.here he talks about “freedom”. it is about not being hijacked with the opinions of others, their recognition or rebuke, and continuing based on one’s own internal compass, that is the guided by their purpose.

2. confidence on others : in this phase adler invites his readers to start believing others, with whom one wants establish a meaningful deep interpersonal relationship, which leads one to reach that state of belonging. he terms this unconditional belief on others as “confidence”. the idea is to have confidence on others and not doubt them. and her proclaims that to do this no evidence or condition is required. he further says that yes, there are chances to be duped in such blind faith. but then for a human duping someone in such good intent and purity, becomes increasingly difficult as time passes. but at the same time he cautions that there are cases, where someone need to intentionally sever a relationship and move on. these are the toxic relationships that never would give someone a sense of belonging and relatedness. these needs to be done away with. having said that he also advises that it is common for people to generalize such toxic experiences, and not be open to establishing another authentic relationship. he encourages one to keep having that faith, and keep reach out to people. that is the key. people are different, and belonging is the key to human fulfillment. he terms this balance as “harmony of life”.

3. contribution to others : adler put this as a central them of his philosophy. one needs to be of use to others. that is the key. that is the only thing that can redeem oneself. as per bhagavad gita is it known as “karma yoga”.

4. finding refuge in the community : having contributing to the other one creates that belonging and finds a refuge in the other. this gives them a feeling of community. in this community it is important to maintain the “harmony of life”, and not overdo some aspects and ignore others. here he points out the “life lies” like workaholism , attachment with certain relationships, stammering, etc as examples where the harmony of life is skewed, and that needs to be immediately fixed. he cautions that this feeling of belonging and finding refuge is not a passive process. a person needs to actively work towards contributing to others based on her capacity. and if she does not have the capacity, she needs to create it. and be self reliant.

In this 4 steps of self evolution from the movement from a self centered individual, to being self reliant, and selfless, contributing to the community, adler reminds that it is not a self sacrificing move. rather this journey creates a self worth in the person, which in turn fuels courage and fortitude. at the same time, he reminds of the importance of not being an automaton to praise and rebuke ideology, and have the guts to break apart from what other’s opinions are. he brings forth that distinction of ‘separation of action’ saying one focuses on their own actions, and discards what action others are doing.

another very important distinction that adler brings forth in his philosophy is his clear departure from the determinism of the past that was formulated in Freud’s aetiological theories. adler formulates his own teleology, saying what our future is determined not by our past traumas but by our proclamations, goals, and purpose that we create for ourselves. he puts forth an open mindset, of step by step working towards ones own purpose, and experience that journey as a series of intermediate points one reaches. it is possible that they are not able to reach the destination. but what is important is that every adjacent upward point that a person reaches towards her purpose is whole and complete by itself. and that drives happiness and meaning. he points out that emotions are tools that we employ to achieve our purpose, and we need to mindfully be constructive in deploying our emotions. mostly he says anger is deployed as a shortcut to achieve a purpose, and that he says there are more sustainable and beautiful ways to deploy the purpose, avoiding lower emotions like anger. he brings forth the idea of ‘harmony of live’, where he points out the excesses of sexuality, emotions, etc which skews our relationship with the community. they destroys the harmony. in order to restore and maintain the harmony, one needs to continually cycle through the 4 points listed above. he says life is a continuous cycle of analysis, correction and deployment in order to achieve one’s ultimate goal of being part of a community, by contributing to the other.

overall this is an immensely practical philosophical structure, and is articulated pretty forcefully by the philosopher ishiro kishimi, in his book – ‘the courage to be disliked’

the book is a conversations between an youth and a philosopher, and has the following sections –

1. night 1 – deny trauma – here the difference between deterministic aetiology and adler’s teleology.
2. night 2 – all problems are interpersonal relationship problems – here authors shows that all issues in life are interpersonal relationship issues with the self, between two person, or an extended community. he further goes and observes that source of all happiness in life is also interpersonal relationships. here he seeds the idea of the importance and prime need of humans to belong to teams and communities to be able to connect and contribute to the other, if they want to solve their problems and be happy.
3. night 3 – discard other people’s tasks – here adler’s distinction of “separation of tasks” is introduced, where one is cautioned to side away from the prevalent “rewards and rebuke” education, and sacrifices one’s own freedom, uniqueness and creativity. this is a means to simplify and focus on what is important.
4. night 4 – where the center of the world is – here author hammers down the point of the importance of the community, and being able to contribute to others. this is considered as a prime and the only path to self worth and fulfillment. it is not a path of self sacrifices. rather it is about self discovery and blossoming.
5. night 5 – live in earnest in here and now – here the importance of living earnestly, but not seriously, on the present moment, and give one 100% to the current moment, and work with focused energy to do her best. one is asked not to be distracted much with past and future, as they do not exist. the importance of work, action, and siding away from over planning and analysis is suggested in this chapter.